Don’t Apologize for Your Real-Life Love

I was shopping for Valentine’s Day cards recently and noticed a disturbing trend.

Yes, I was shopping for Valentine’s Day cards, and no, not in an ironic sense. I know it’s popular these days to proclaim to hate the holiday—either because one is unattached and feels pressured, taunted or just plain left out, or because one is happily attached and doesn’t need to throw away money on a “Hallmark holiday”—but my love for this day burns bright. Maybe it’s because I am happily attached and have been for over a quarter century, maybe it’s because the object of that attachment proposed one long-ago Valentine’s Day weekend, or (most likely) maybe it’s because I’m a romantic sap who’s a sucker for love and all the trimmings.

In any case, I was shopping for Valentine’s Day cards and found it surprisingly difficult to find an appropriate one. I hadn’t anticipated any difficulties—I am, after all, a married heterosexual white woman, the sort for whom (I would have supposed) most of these cards are written. But somewhere between childbearing and Monday Night Football, our regular old relationship seems to have passed beyond the population to whom cards are being marketed these days.

There are now two kinds of Valentine’s Day cards couples can buy for each other:

1. “Aren’t we lucky we’re in the perfect love relationship” cards, or the variants: “You’re the perfect one for me,” “I’m so glad I found the perfect partner,” “You’re the one I’ve always dreamed of,” and “We are perfect together.” These are the cards aimed at couples in the first blush of love, the ones gazing dreamily at each other across undrunk lattes at the coffee shop, or for whom the words “husband” and “wife” still elicit a blush and a giggle. That’s a lovely stage to be in, a rosy stage, full of possibilities … but it’s a tough standard to maintain. Those of us who have rubbed the stars out of our eyes long enough to notice that our true love doesn’t always rinse the dishes seem to be relegated to the other kind of Valentine’s Day card:
2. “We’re not what we used to be, and I hope you’re okay with that.” This card also has several alternatives: “Thanks for putting up with all the crap for all these years,” “Things haven’t always been so great, but at least we’re still in this thing,” and “I’m sorry for being such a shitty spouse.” Now, my husband and I have had a few less-than-idyllic moments in our time together, but I don’t think our seasoned marriage is the kind of train wreck these cards are describing. (Frankly, I’m not sure I want to know who these cards are describing, but maybe they should come with the name of a good marriage counselor.)

Missing from the racks of lace and glitter are any cards that a couple who has been together for a while might buy in order to celebrate that fact. Real-life couples who’ve changed diapers and changed addresses but haven’t changed their minds about who they want to spend their life with deserve a little celebrating on Valentine’s Day, and they should be able to say “I love you” without apologizing first.

I’d like to suggest to the nice folks over at the greeting card companies that we need a few cards to say “Thanks for being a great life partner,” “I’m so glad to be married to you,” “I’m grateful for the life we share,” and “It’s so good to wake up next to you every morning.” I bet they could get also away with variants like “You’re wonderful,” and simply, “I love you.”

So even if I have to write the card myself, I’m going to tell my husband I love him today without referencing the fact that we used to be younger, thinner and hotter, without saying I’m sorry for not putting away my clothes or for forgetting to pick up milk, and without apologizing for the changes to our starry-eyed relationship brought about by actually living a life together.

I’m going to spend Valentine’s Day appreciating the man I love and the life we share. I hope you and your real-life love do the same.