What’s Your Starbucks Name?

Starbucks is such a considerate company. They don’t want any of their customers accidentally quaffing someone else’s drink. I mean, suppose you walked in one morning and ordered your regular iced grande decaf nonfat no-whip one-Splenda mocha, and instead accidentally picked up the iced grande triple-shot 2% two-pump mocha two-pump white mocha ordered by the person just before you? It could happen to anyone. It probably has, in fact, happened to lots of people and the Starbucks employees just don’t have the time every morning to go through the hassle of understanding that, no, the one you *did* get was the iced grande triple-shot 2% two-pump mocha two-pump white mocha, but the one you *wanted* was the iced grande decaf nonfat no-whip one-Splenda mocha, but they’ll have to remake the iced grande triple-shot 2% two-pump mocha two-pump white mocha for the other guy because you just took a sip.

Thus, nearly every Starbucks has started asking your name when you order a drink. I suppose it helps on the mixed-up-drink end of things, but now I spend more time explaining how to spell my name than I do ordering my drink. Really. And my name isn’t hard to spell — just three little letters.

The problem seems to be that many Starbucks employees have heard so many variant spellings for just about every name out there that they don’t take any chances. Here’s an actual conversation I had one morning:

Barista: “Your name please?”
Me: “Amy.”
Barista:”Is that with an I?”
Me: “No, it’s just spelled the regular way.”
Barista: “Oh, with two Es, then?””
Me: “No, just a Y. Amy with a Y.”

My drink arrived with my name written very carefully on it: Y-M-E

I don’t really care if someone misspells my name on a cup of cappuchino. I’ve picked up orders that were apparently meant for Aimee, Aime, Amie, and Emy. If my drink is taking extra long, I’ll even check the counter for cups labeled Annie, Anne, Ane, Ani, or Any. But in the end, the simplest thing has been to go ahead and spell out my name when I order: “I’ll have a tall nonfat latte. The name is Amy, A-M-Y.”

It’s even worse for my husband, who has a longer name that’s not as common. He flatly refuses to bother spelling out A-D-D-I-S-O-N the three times it takes for the cashier to hear and spell it correctly. He’s given up. At Starbucks, he’s just Bob.

And thus was born the tradition of the Starbucks name. Starbucks names are the names you substitute at the coffee counter because your own is just too hard for someone who knows the difference between a caramel macchiato and a latte with two pumps of caramel to spell or pronounce.

Starbucks names have to be small, either three or four letters, so they’re fast to write. They have to be a single syllable, so they’re fast to say. And, most importantly, they have to be a name with no known common alternate spelling. Bob is a great Starbucks name. So are Tom, and Beth, and Paul, Dave, Sal, Liz, Bill, Pam, Dan, Sue, and John. Chris is not a good Starbucks name, and neither are Kris, Cris, Khris, Krys, or Criss.

The best thing about a Starbucks name is that you get to pick it yourself. You don’t have to remember the name of the street you grew up on, your first pet, or the color underwear you’re currently wearing. You just have to come up with three or four unassailable letters and stick to your guns.

When you have one, I’d love to hear it. Hit reply, and feel forward to pass it on. We can all shave a few seconds off and get our cuppa that much quicker.

I’m off to get some coffee now, and my Starbucks name is Jen.